“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.” ~Author Unknown

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I've noticed that "fear" quiz that's going around. I started to fill it out yesterday, but it seemed empty to me. Since then I've been thinking about what frightens me, what causes me to be wary and concentrate energy to stay calm in a given situation or at a given thought.

When I was little, I was petrified of death. Old people made me feel anxious after I heard the crazy religious principal of my school say, "Each day we are one step closer to death." (He quickly said only Catholics go to Heaven--needless to say I changed schools VERY quickly after that). Anyway, I started counting the days and thinking, "That's one day I'll never get back," or "I'm a day older now, a day closer to dying." I used to pray that God would let me live on this earth forever. I'd make deals with him, petitioning that He would let me if I brushed my teeth or didn't talk back to my mom--silly stuff like that. But death absolutely scared me. I grew out of that phase by third grade or so, but moved on to a phase where I refused to even think about anything related to death. To me, it was something that was very far away, something I shouldn't be concerned with. I guess that method of thinking led to the complete evaporation of that fear. My own death doesn't scare me. I'm not afraid of what comes after. What scares me about death now is leaving behind those I love. I don't want them to feel the pain of not having me around or being able to touch me or hear my voice. But, I'm also terrified of those I love dying before I've had ample time to spend with them and let them know I love them. I'm afraid of living a life without them by my side, of not being able to hear their advice, their laughter, or see their smiles. That's what scares me.

I also used to be afraid of the dark. I was convinced that aliens were watching my house and were going to come into my room in the middle of the night and touch my ear while I slept. I don't know why they only wanted to touch my ear, but the did. So, I would pull my blankets up over my ear so that they couldn't touch it and hope that they would leave. I remember waking up in the middle of the night once, noticing that my blankets had fallen down to my shoulders. Anxiously, I pulled them back up to my eyes and tried to slow my breathing. I suppose that's when I discovered I didn't need to be afraid of the dark itself, but rather, what could be lurking. Even now, that thought concerns me. My vivid imagination and my fascination with shows like CSI and Criminal Minds probably don't help to calm my nerves either. But I don't sleep with a night-light. I did up until a few years ago--but then it burned out and I never replaced the bulb. Now I've just gotten used to it, thought I still grow paranoid sometimes. Thinking about it now, I kind of miss my little blue night-light...

I am afraid of endings. I fear things coming to an end. I see so many lives, towns, forests, etc. falling to destruction that there hardly seems to be any peace or joy left. But what little I have found is so precious that I fear its coming to an end as well.

I guess that's also why I believe in unicorns and magic of that sort--there has got to be some reason, other than divine, for their to be good, purity, beauty, peace, love, and joy. There just has to be. Then I think, "But, if they truly exist, what happens when we see them? Is all of the mystery and fantasy just gone? So do they really exist in places other than imagination, or is that the only place for them? For, otherwise, might we still dream? I tend do think not because there would be no magic, no mysteries to fuel our unrealistic dreams." And so, it is there nonexistence that becomes their existence. In a way, I am afraid of discovering fantastical creatures as a reality because they are the only fantasy I have. And, if that is gone, I have no escape from reality, no escape from the destruction, and no reason to believe that what seems impossible might just be possible.

Books:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Dragonspell
The Prince of Tides
The House of the Spirits
When the Wind Blows
The High King's Tomb
Pride and Prejudice
Halo: The Fall of Reach
Breath and Bone
Flags of Our Fathers
Redwall
Watership Down
The Once and Future King
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Glass Menagerie
Whuthering Heights
The Age of Innocence
Oil!
Persuasion
Of Mice and Men
The Vampire Chronicles
The Dragon Riders of Pern
Fell
Dracula
The Phantom of the Opera
Breaking Dawn
Brisingr


Art:
1. "Fire and Smoke"
2. "That Summer"
3. Thomil CS
4. The Wanderer CS
5. Mor-naur CS
6. Kiiy CS
7. Heaeth CS
8. Riddle CS